Monday, June 12, 2006

[-] Undead

well i was hopeful that his would be a genuinely scary zombie movie. but it turned out to be more like Shaun of the Dead. this is where the zombies take like a million bullets and dont die. and then they look at the gaping hole where their stomach used to be and have that funny/confused look on their face. the main character in this movie is a hillbilly from a small town. he apparently love weapons because he has memorabilia from like the world's fair of weapons. when he's shooting the zombies he always at least 2 guns in his hands. usually he is shooting 2 pistols. and then they run out. and then he pulls more and more guns out of unseen pockets in his overalls. the main weapon he has is three sawn off shot guns welded together. although this is a cool idea, its never made clear whether all three guns fire simultaneously though i think that's what you're supposed to think. they should have shown three shotgun shells fall to the floor to let you know. oh. so i havent really told you about the movie. well guess how people get turned into zombies. aliens. right. so these aliens come and zap zombieism into people with these grapefruit sized meteors. then farmer guy saves the heroine by killing a zombie. then they retreat to his bachelor farm house. then these comic relief police officers come and try to take over the situation. and stony faced farmer wont let them. so they go into the basement. and zombies come. and they go int oa sub-basement (root cellar) and zombies come. and they finally go into this fallout shelter thing he has. ooh and before the police people came to join them, this pregnant woman and her young husband come. so there's six of them in the bunker. and suddenly the woman decides she needs to squeeze out this baby. so they gather like 4 duffel bags worth of guns and supplies from this guys gun lockers. they get in the farmer's rusty van and try to go to a hospital knowing its prolly taken over by zombies. then they are driving on this country road and there's this sky high spiked wall in the way going on in all directions as far as the eye can see. so they cant pass. so one police officer, the more annoying/leader tries to climb it. and the other way the zombies are fucking with people is this acid rain. so as hes climbing the farmer recalls to his other passengers what happened to him earlier. he was fishing and he got this fish. and it turned into an amazing zombie fish. and bit him. and he kept shooting it. and it kept flying all over the place. soon it was just a pile of scales and blood from being shot so much. and so apparently it rained on him. now this is where i sort of lost track fo the movie and started watching porn on my parents' couch. either the acid rain heals you from zombie wounds OR it makes you more of a zombie. i'm sorry, i don't know. what i do know is when they went out into the rain they had to rinse off with bottled water to get rid of the acid rain. but also i think the cut he got from the attack bass got healed somehow. so then i lost track of the movie for a while while i surfed in the end, the aliens came down and zapped some people with these beams of light from the sky and all the people from this town were suspened in the atmosphere above this acid rain cloud cover they put there. then i don't know what happened but eventually i think the aliens experiment was over and they left with their ships. and supposedly the infestation was under control and everyone was healed and quarantined in the hospital. and THEN one last guy is in the hospital and he still has zombieism and he bites the still-living farmer guy. and then the pandemic supposedly starts up again. but after all this rigamaroll the heroine has been toughened so she has this 4-gun welded-together shot gun and she is like the only survivor for the quarantined town or something. and the last scene is she has all the townspeople (zombies) caged up in this huge fence in the field outside the farm house. and she sits down with quadgun in the rocking chair on the porch saying she has to keep them in check.

so when you see it on the shelves, don't bother with Undead.


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